he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She's like a pop up book from hell.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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