I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
