I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
