ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
