My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
