I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
