I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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