Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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