I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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