I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
