you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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