I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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