i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
