shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
