does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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