You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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