I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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