if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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