trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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