Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
