Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
