God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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