just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I just found a bag of teeth...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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