i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
