Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
