In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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