Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Randomize