The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
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You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
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idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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