Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
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Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
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I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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