all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
