Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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