I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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