why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
