I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
