oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
