If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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