Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
