you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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