dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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