Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
