Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
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He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
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I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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