That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize