I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
