I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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