the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Barsexuality is the new black.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
