you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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