I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Drake has all the answers
and you fell through a lawn chair
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
