Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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