im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
