I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
