if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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