Duck Duck Cougar?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
