got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
