i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
