Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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