Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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