I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
that may or may not have been my penis.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
