i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
