I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
