I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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