I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
