my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I think I just sharted jello shots
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
