my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Only a mothe r could love this liver
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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