Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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