it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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