grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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