My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
