Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
